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    Senior member lance49726's Avatar
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    Mastubation jokes

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    A penis and a toe were talking one day. The toe said to the penis, "Man, I have the worst life. All day I am stuck inside a smelly shoe, and my master is clumsy, so I always get hurt." The penis responded, "Oh, yeah? My master makes me do push-ups until I throw up!"
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    Two women and a man are in the back of a bus. The first woman whispers, "The man next to me is masturbating!" Her friend says, "Just ignore him." To which she replies, "I can't! He's using my hand!"
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    There once was a man whose religion said that he had to be naked all the time. Not wanting to go against his religion, he went everywhere naked even to the supermarket. One day he went shopping for Lifesavers and gum. As he was heading toward the counter to pay for his candy, he saw three nuns come into the store. He thought, "I don't want these nuns to see me and preach to me about how I should wear clothes." Not having anywhere to hide, he stood very still and pretended to be a mannequin. The three nuns walked up to him and were very curious. The first one went up and yanked on the man's penis, and the man dropped the Lifesavers. The nun picked them up and showed them to the others saying, "Look, I got Lifesavers." The second nun went up to the man and pulled on his penis, and the man dropped his gum. The nun picked it up and said, "Look, I got gum." Not wanting to go home empty-handed, the last nun went up to the man, yanked on his penis, and said, "Look, I got hand lotion."
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    In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

    The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well, Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse.

    The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
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    A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

    Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that is disgusting and rude and if you do it again I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."

    He says, "I am so sorry, but I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze."

    The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, "Oh you poor man. Are you taking anything for it?"

    He answers, "Pepper."
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    John was having problems pleasing his wife, so he went to see a sex doctor. The doctor tells John he'll do better in bed if he masturbates before having sex. John leaves, and on his way home he decides he'll have sex when he returns. So he finds a nice open spot on the side of the road and pulls over. He gets under the car, closes his eyes, and proceeds to "check the axel" under his car. About 5 minutes later he feels a tug on his pants, and not wanting to see who it is, he asks, "Who is it?" "It's the police what do you think you're doing?" With his eyes still closed, John replies, "I'm checking my car's axel." The cop says, "Well, you'd better check your brakes, too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
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    At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three naked, very dark-skinned men sitting on a park bench. The men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a pink penis. While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

    "Well, yes," said the gentleman. "Why is it the man in the middle has a pink penis?"

    "Oh," said the artist. "They're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."
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    A man goes to the pharmacy, walks up to the counter, and tells the druggist, "I have three girls coming to my place tonight. I've never been with more than one. I need something to keep me sexually aroused." The druggist unlocks the bottom drawer and pulls out a strongbox. He unlocks the padlock to reveal a bunch of little boxes, and says, "One of these will keep you going for a whole day."

    The customer says, "I'll take three." He pays for them a walks out.

    Three days later the man returns to the pharmacy. His penis is dangling out of his pants. It's black and blue, covered with scabs, with flaps of skin hanging off of it. He walks up to the counter and asks the druggist, "Do you have any Ben Gay?"

    The shocked druggist replies, "You're not going to use Ben Gay on that!"

    "No," the man said, "The Ben Gay's for my arms. The girls never showed up!"
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